I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
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Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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