I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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