Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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