I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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