At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
