yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
