I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
