tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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