Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.