anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
