just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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