The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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