I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
