just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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