i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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