please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
