the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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