God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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