the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
