I love black thongs
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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