fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
