Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
