how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
