John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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