I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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