so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
