i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
