we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
