Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
