I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
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So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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