i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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