just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
