i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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