dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
