I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
