Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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