Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
