I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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