You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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