found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
