WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
