1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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