Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
