I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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