Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy