I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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