I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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