Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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