I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
