You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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