We won't sleep together?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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