I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
