The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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