Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
